No sneezing matter!
By Vivek Hande
Some people are
compulsive liars; others are compulsive shoppers or walkers. Well , I am a
compulsive sneezer. My sneezing habits and abilities have made me a legendary
figure among friends, colleagues, family and acquaintances. My fame , if I may
call that, has spread far and wide. My record of maximum sneezes on the trot is
likely to be verified shortly by the authorities at the Guiness Book of world
Records and is going to find a honorable mention in the 2013 edition!
Some unexplained
biological rhythm wakes me up at quarter to five in the morning with the first
of a series of sneezes. Thereafter , as the day progresses, the frequency and
intensity of my rhinological explosions goes on mounting. Neither me , nor my
neighbors have used an alarm clock to wake up in the morning for several years.
The neighborhood departmental store has long since given up trying to cope with
my requirement of tissue and napkins. Many of the companies vie for my nose
with the latest in heavy duty tissue paper and four ply napkins and try them
out for performance scores and quality control before introducing them into the
market. Pharmaceutical companies are invariably trying to woo me with their
latest antihistaminics and try to buy my loyalty with gifts of expensive pens
and silk ties. When I shift allegiance to a rival company , their stock
,inevitably soars on the share market. My friends seek me out constantly for
information on ‘insider trading’.
My wife, however ,
has been threatening divorce for several years. My parents are on the verge of
disowning me and my friends greet me as strangers when they are with friends
and classmates. We do get exceptional service in restaurants and sometimes they
even waive the bill, as the mangers want me to finish quickly and leave . The
real estate agent has a tough time convincing folks to move into the next door
flat. More often than not , it remains vacant; very few survive beyond three
months. My boss finds it more convenient to promote me rather than sit across
me and analyze my performance face to
face.
I have tried
everything under the sun and the moon. Allopathy; Homeopathy; Naturopathy;
Ayurveda( I could have bought a Honda Civic with the amount I spent); Reiki , yoga and what have
you. I have consulted rhinolgists, psychiatrists , psychologists, proctologists
bit to no avail. My maid recommended a mouthful of hot chilies and standing
barefoot under the sun for an hour. I developed ulcers in the mouth ; blisters
on the foot; sacked the maid and continued to sneeze. I am beginning to get
depressed; my patients (incidentally I am a doctor) are leaving me and my
clinic wears a deserted look. I have very few friends and family left and
things are getting worse by the day. I would like to appeal to readers to send
suggestions/ advice/ prescriptions at hande@sneeze-sneeze.com and bail me out of this terribly sticky
situation !!
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